@BoomBoomBetty If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
@NickSchug Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
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@BoomBoomBetty 
@TeaPainUSA Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
@ThisLocalHater One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
@justinmatic5000 Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
@woofknight 
@PussycatPlace A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
@urbanfriendden surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
@McNarstle I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
@GrantTanaka wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
@PaperWash Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time