Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
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no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.