Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

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If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.


Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.


One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police


Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”


surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter


I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.


wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why


Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time