When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.