Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.