While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.