Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
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Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*