Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
You Might Also Like
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.