It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
smartest karate player in the world
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .