I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
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{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *