“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
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My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves