My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
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My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Childbirth is so beautiful
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Van Gone
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Thursday
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*