12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
This is my emotional support knife.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week