[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
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Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
We all have our pet causes.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!