[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
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“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Finally, an explanation.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.