Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
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I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
what could possibly go wrong?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Alexa: *deep breath*
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
spicy snake
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.