If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
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GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.