Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
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I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6