Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
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Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
The dark side of Canada
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!