@Bob_Heller
@JoParkerBear Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
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@JoParkerBear 
@KeetPotato [biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
@DirtMcTurd Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
@paigeofmylife2 My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
@SirEviscerate GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
@sageboggs Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
@kimtopher22 “I found my charger!!”
– a love story
@Reverend_Scott [car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
@TheRolo She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
@BillFienberg Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.