cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
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My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Super Hand Dog Face
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot