Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
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Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!