Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

You Might Also Like


A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.


The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.


I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…


In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.


My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.


Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.


YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you


The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.


eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.