@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

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@NicCageMatch

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

@VodkaShorebird

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

@TheBoydP

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

@RidiculousSheri

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

@ericsshadow

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

@Jennuflect

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

@caithuls

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

@david8hughes

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

@t0mcarmona

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.