not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
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Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded