Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Oh my god
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.