I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
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I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs