DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
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Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Yup.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?