me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
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Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
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Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
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me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating