PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
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I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water