PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
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i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Art by Pastelkatto
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.