PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
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This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
me doing my best
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
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My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.