*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
You Might Also Like
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Mad Max: Furry Road
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.