“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
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Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.