“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
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If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this