My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
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I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
not for long
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name