My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
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boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
