Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
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My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism