Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
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bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.