her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
You Might Also Like
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.