not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
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I can’t stop watching this.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
This is hilarious….
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While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
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Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.