Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

I need to update my racial profile.

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you