Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
You Might Also Like
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.