Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
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Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies