Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
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“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?