My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
You Might Also Like
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Traveler’s camo
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Shortcut
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
A fake ID that makes you younger
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier: