My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
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Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh