Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
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If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw