@LostFelicia

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

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@MeetingBoy

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

@theSolemnBard

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

@NourHadidi

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

@heidi420x

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

@lloydrang

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

@Elizasoul80

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

@envydatropic

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

@DurtMcHurtt

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*