Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
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I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh