hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
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*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Monday Lisa
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Animal poetry