There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
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Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
*me flirting
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.