henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
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Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.