When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
first you must answer his riddles
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt