rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
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I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.