Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
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I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Put this video in the Louvre
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Spider-cat: No One Home
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”