I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
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Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I can’t be the only one 😂
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
OH. COME. ON.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
If you are reading this then you are reading this
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle