hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
a public service announcement
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.