@MrSpoonicorn

hey boy πŸ˜‰ is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

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@KimmyMonte

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

@mortimermaiden

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

@SteveSuckington

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

@DearAuntAbby

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

@mommy_cusses

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

@MelKassel

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET