Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
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Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR